Freya Baskcomb

Nov 2

Angels Don't Fly

I wish I could say that when I looked up at the sky I saw my angels flying above me, keeping watch. I wish I could claim that the world is certain and I knew every corner of it. I wish I could break free of the chains my mind locks me with. I wish I could start again, I wish I could see my angels, but I can't.

Did you ever think that your life was perfect up until that one moment when you realised it was practically the opposite? When I look back, I genuinely thought I could trust, I put my heart and soul out in the open, only to have so many of my 'friends' come along and rip their names off it. And I didn't mean to hurt anyone, or say anything to make them get angry, but you can't stop other people from feeling what they do. It feels as though I was strolling across the road very happily when suddenly a massive semi-trailer came along and knocked me out. That's life I guess, and sometimes there isn't anything we can do but pick ourselves off the ground, silently thank our angels above us, and carry on. But my angels don't fly. My angels float around on the Pacific Ocean and one by one, pick the feathers out of their wings, only hoping to gradually pluck the beats out of my heart. It feels as though I have to keep doing this on my own, silently in the shadows of the world, hoping that something or someone will come my way. When someone told me after a long time that they didn't want to be friends, I patched up the hole they left by myself. When I thought my best friend hated me, I wiped away my own tears. When somebody took a free stab at my back, I suffered in silence. When my heart was shattered, I picked up the pieces alone. So my angels have never cared, but I always thought I was the only one to battle my war alone, without the heavens watching over me. It turns out that there are many stray angels, off on holiday, writing their names in the sky, picking at their wings or swimming in the sea. Perhaps it is time to take a look around at just how many people have angels above their heads, watching their lives like television..

My angels don't pay attention to me, so I have to look after myself without any help. But maybe there are others out there who have been neglected by their angels as well. To all the angels who don't care anymore, I will take your place. To all the people, instead of your angels, I'll look out for you. I will keep you safely locked in my heart, and run to you if you need anything. It was never about trusting or understanding the world around me, it was about love. It has always been about love, and maybe I don't need angels to keep me going; maybe all I need are the people who are still standing with me, even to this day. Angels don't fly, real angels don't even have wings, the real angels are the ones who stick by us, and love us, no matter what.

Angels don't fly, they stand next to us, they hold our hand and whisper that it's going to be okay, as you step into another chapter of life.

Sep 7

Head In My Hands

I've been sitting here in silence for days now,

Creating the facade for your eyes to see,

I'm not going to cry,

Because you're not worth wasting them on,

I'm not going to talk,

Because you don't listen.

Forever broken.

A little sad I suppose, but it's true. These are the lines to a song I've been writing for the past few days, as though the only way to express how I'm really feeling, is to strum away at my guitar strings. Just like how my heart has been played. I'm not complaining, or seeking sympathy, I don't want to chase after something I can't have, or ask a question I know I cannot answer. I just want to know that I'm not the only one that has felt like this. I'm not broken hearted. My heart is like a guitar, but someone has played the wrong chord, and one of the strings has broken. Not all of them, just a single string. You can play with all six strings, but it's difficult to play without one of them. And I know people are deafening my ears with the same simple advice, but the truth is, I don't want to hear it. 'Go and replace that string.' But it will never sound the same again. And maybe sooner or later, I can find someone who will fit into my life, but at this moment in time, it looks as though it isn't going to happen. Usually I'm the one giving advice, trying to help others move forward or at least accomplish something in my blog. But today, I don't have the heart. For the first time in my life, I'm searching for the answers too. For the first time in my life, I've got my head in my hands, feeling like I'm going to be broken forever.

I could recite the story in a perfect linear fashion, pointing out where things went wrong, things they did to hurt me, the way I reacted. But I can't remember any of it. I can only feel the opposite of what I can recall feeling then. All I remember is sitting back one day asking myself if I had done something wrong. Wondering why I hadn't heard from them, or if I wasn't good enough. Words cannot describe the feelings in which I possessed, but I'm sure all of you can understand to a certain extent. I'm not poetic or romantic in any way, I'm not trying to build this up into a wall it is not. I'm simply saying how I feel, no sparkles or rainbows, no glossing over words or polishing stories. If I had the chance to change something, I would change right now. I would fast-forward into the future where I will have a different song to sing.

To all of you that know what it's like, I'm sorry I could never help you earlier, and I apologise that I can't say anything comforting right now either. But as I've been told, time heals everything.

To the one who hurt me, I forgive you. I just wish I could find the answer to the question 'why'.

To the hearts who still have a happy song to sing, you give me hope.

And to the heart in which I possess, I'm sorry you can't sing right now. I'm sorry I can't fix you and I'm sorry that I've left you to fight for so long.

With my head in my hands, I know that soon I will push the hair from my face, I will stand up and face the world again. I know that soon I will find new chords to play and new songs to sing. Maybe my chords will sound different, but maybe, they will be fixed. Perhaps I should scream and sit alone in the cold, perhaps I should run back and demand they fix my heart, perhaps I should leave it and silently wonder, but perhaps I don't know what I will do. I don't have all the answers, I never said I did. I can't always help everyone, unless I've helped myself. And I will keep playing my songs to feel something again. No matter what. I may have my head in my hands, but my heart is still playing the songs which I know and love, with or without the string it relied on for so long.

Filed under // Actual Human Being Cinematography Costume design Frey Hair Journalism Makeup Writer

Sep 7

hello

hi

Aug 2

When The Waves Come Crashing

When I was younger, I would lie on the beach and look up at the stars. 'Dear Stars' I would say, 'for the days the sun outshines you, when the clouds undefine you, I can feel your tears, as they rain through my life and cascade down the window in which I watch from.' People wish on stars, for their own benefit in the world which we stand on, we hope for our dreams to come true. But I used to look out onto the stars of the night sky, and wish I was a star. Time passed and I learned to live with gravity pulling my heart down to the ground, detaining me from floating up into the air so I could look down on the world as opposed to be apart of it. Instead now I think, 'for the stars which are divided and want to be together, I pull you closer, because I hope that you can glow as the night sky together, rather than just in the night sky'. I know it doesn't sound poetic, or even really make sense, but sometimes I wish someone could just pull me closer to something so I could be myself; and not just who people want me to be...

Have you ever been on the beach when its cold? Feeling your body float with the waves, ducking under and gliding over them. Your entire body is shaking, your hands are blue, and you can barely breathe. But you are determined to stay out there...in the waves, just to wait for the perfect one to catch. I know I talk about watching from a window, watching from the sky, but sometimes, I don't look out for myself. I jump in head-first, only to find myself at the bottom of the ocean, trying to find my way back to the surface. And so I sit there, down on the floor of the ocean, curled up into myself, watching photos and memories swim past me. Every ocean is different, every wave is, every star-every person. Sometimes people surf in the same ocean, and when they go down-they do so together. At other times, we can sit on the same sand as someone, catch the same wave, but only one of us will hit rock-bottom whilst the other one continues with the wave of life. You have to understand, it's not that they don't care, it's just that sometimes they don't know how to help. Occasionally, you will have to learn to help yourself. You need to get the strength to get yourself up to the surface and back on the wave.

Sometimes, I get caught up in the moment, without even considering the consequential future, and the waves come crashing over my head. Sometimes, I can put my heart on the line, only to be left with it hanging there, blowing in the wind, and so waves come crashing over my head. Sometimes, I go out searching for an answer, only to get confronted by another question and another answer to find...and the waves come crashing. I'm not saying that you can find an explanation all the time for these things, maybe you will get pushed under by yourself, or perhaps, you think that you have all of the puzzle pieces aligned perfectly on the floor, to find out that there is one missing. You could be sitting on the ground with your picture scattered around you for days even weeks. But do not let yourself sink to the bottom all the time. We all have lulls, there can be hundreds of us lounging at the floor of the ocean at a time, but the important thing is to push yourself to the surface. Don't shine within yourself-shine as yourself...like the stars we wish on.

Dear stars, I may not be able to see you from the bottom of the ocean, I may not be able to see anything at this point in time. And even though, each time I get to the surface, another wave pushes me under, I am determined to live my life to the fullest. I know I'm sick of searching for the answers and ending up with another question, and I know I'm wounded by putting my heart on the line so much and getting rejected. But one day at least, I hope that when I am shining up there looking down on the world with you, I would have loved and lived. I hope that when the waves keep crashing, I will at least find someone, to come down with me. Dear stars, let me shine like you, because you're the only thing I have left...

All my love,

Frey. x.

Filed under // Actual Human Being Costume Design Director Frey Journalism Make Up Artistry Writer

Jul 12

Finding The Door To A New Life

Sometimes you need to go away to figure out who you really are. We can be so involved with the world and people around us, that we forget what we ourselves contribute to this world. I know it sounds a bit vague, but in my case, it was true. I think I had spent so long trying to keep up with every minute that past or was yet to come, that I forgot to enjoy the minutes in my life. I saw them as objects and not experiences. Recently, I took a long break from my life, I went to a place where there is no time and nothing matters. I needed someone to take my hand and slam the door to my dark and worrying world, and so I wandered through the unfamiliar bright light of this new world, blinded by the life that lay before me. Never before have I smiled so much, never before have I been happy and needed no reason to be. We live with clouds above our heads, always thinking about what is coming next, when we don't stop to take a look at what is happening now. People need to take a good step away from the bubble which they call their life and take a look around. My world previously wasn't upsetting, angering or full of anarchy, but it was not pleasant or relaxed either. I found complete balance between the two, and with that, found complete content.

There I was, running from each day to the other, fast-forwarding and re-winding moments of the past or things I did not want to think about. Everyday, I would look in the mirror and think about the day ahead, routinely-like putting on lipstick. I remember someone saying that 'sometimes you need to run away, just to see who will follow you'. But honestly, I know who would run after me, and I know the ones I would run after. I found my heart not long ago and let my love run through everyone else's hearts. And maybe you can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you want to feel. So why did I spend so long closing my eyes to everything? I didn't want to hear, I didn't want to see and maybe sometimes, I didn't want to feel. But if there is one thing that I learnt whilst I took a break, is that the world is full of wonders. And you cannot let the branches stop you from climbing the tall tree of life. Because it will keep growing, and so will you. I will keep climbing the trees of life, and branches of the past may fall under my feet, but I will keep climbing until I reach the top.

Perhaps I will jump into the unknown only to find myself smacking my head of the pavement of failure, and perhaps I won't. But the important thing is; that I don't have to think about that right now. Because right now, is exactly that. Another minute, another second to add to the continuous story of my life. Here I was going along with every hour, dreading the next day. Sometimes when fate closes a door, it opens a window. Other times, you can be trapped in a dark room for weeks, just waiting for a door to unlock. I don't think you have to rely on fate to help you on your way, if you really believe in yourself, you can find the door to your new life. You could be someone you never thought you could be, and you can rid the cloud hovering around by your mind and the sticky tape around your mouth which stops you from speaking. Because to open a door for yourself, is much better than waiting for someone else to. Everyday is a new day, to set things straight. Every hour is a chance to tell people you love them. Every minute is a time to smile. And every second, is another added onto the new life in which you live and love.

So love every moment you get, and live every moment you are given, because one day; your door will close by itself, when you have reached the top of your tree. Until then, we don't think about the future or the past, we live for now. So smile, because every minute you get another chance to do so...

All my love,

Frey. x.

Filed under // Actual Human Being Costume Design Director Frey Journalism Make Up Artistry Writer

May 28

When Heavy Hearts Beat Lighter

When heavy hearts beat lighter, and pieces of love rip apart, they fall by our feet and we tread carelessly through them, slowly deteriorating them into past souls-with nothing left to say. As I was sorting through my room, I found a box in the back of my cupboard. It wasn't dusty, it wasn't dark and mysterious, it was a box. A box with a one simple word on it, 'memories'. There I was, sitting down with my past in my hands, holding onto something I'd hoped so hard to forget. With a breath of hesitation, I opened the box with my eyes closed. I peaked out of one eye, only to see my heart lying on top of the rest of my past. I picked it up only to see how neglected it had been. A matter of years ago I had tied my heart up in knots, constricting its last few beats and I put it away. Now, it coughed and wheezed, trying to say something to me. My eyes welled up with hope and sorrow. For a long time, I have neglected love, I've hidden away from the world behind an iron curtain. I was so scared of getting hurt, that I refused to let anyone in, even my closest friends. If my hand could reach through the past, I would pull myself to where I am now, only to put a smile on my face and send myself back. If only I could've done this, and I wouldn't have found my poor heart, held hostage in a box now. With this last thought, a diamond tear fell from my eye and splashed onto the heart in my hands. I pulled off the chains and threw them to the ground, threw them so far, as to never have them return. And with that single diamond teardrop, my heart flourished into colour, its beats grew faster and the love that I had previously shut away burst out and sung through its lips. I carefully cradled my heart with my hands and put it back in the empty space it had belonged all these years. I closed my eyes, and put my hand to my chest, only to feel my heart smiling back at me, taking up all the space it could get, and filling my veins with life. When heavy hearts beat lighter, pieces of love fly out to all those who are willing to receive it, slowly rejuvenating those souls who had something to say, but never did.

I'm sorry, I've locked my heart away for so long. I'm sorry that I've failed in returning my pieces of love and I'm sorry that I never said anything earlier. And the words that my heart choked out were the words I've been wanting to hear and believe forever. 'I love you'. And the words that I've been wanting to say but can't are exactly those. I love you all, from the heart which beats soundly inside my chest. There's a picture I found in that box that's now hanging on my wall. A picture of me smiling with true sincerity; because to smile is to love, and to love isn't just about loving others, it's about loving yourself. I've learned to love the world around me and the world inside of me. I have a heart now. And as I place my hand on my heart, I can still hear it chanting those words, 'I love you'. Place your hand on your heart and listen to yourself, follow your heart, wherever it may be. Listen to the most comforting sound in the world. 'Boom-boom. Boom-boom. I love you.'

Forever and Always,

Frey. x.

Filed under // Actual Human Being Cinematography Frey Hair and Makeup Design Journalism Writer

May 18

Fallen Memories

My heart is a stone,

Weighing me down with every step I take,

With every breath,

I can feel my lungs screaming in protest,

And every day that falls behind me,

Hovers like cigarette smoke,

I will step on my fallen memories,

Letting them crunch under my feet like leaves in autumn,

I will hide from the dark,

Just to savour a moment of safety,

I will fall from the clouds,

Like a tear falling to the ground,

And I will scream,

Until no one hears me,

Torn by two pairs of eyes,

Torn by two lives,

Running from no chasers,

Who each possess a piece of my heart,

Running from myself,

Trying to put pieces of my broken heart,

Back together again,

When it lies there on the ground,

Shattered into a million tiny pieces.

Frey. x.

May 9

Walking to No Where

Maybe it's just the weather, maybe it's just the cold and the clouds..but I feel like I'm walking to no where. I feel like I'm singing a silent song, speaking in silent speech. This isn't me saying how 'down' I'm feeling, this isn't me complaining or attacking anybody, this is me as I am. Vulnerable for the world to see, the world to judge, and the world to rip to shreds. I just laughed at myself, looking at my photo and trying to figure out how to fix one mistake. It's as though the world will say nothing if you do something right-but if you do something wrong, you get your head pushed under water and you get left to drown in sorrow. Sometimes I wonder why we put up with judgement, sadness-lonliness. Sometimes you can be in a crowd and feel like the loneliest person in the world-and there is no real reason why. Recently, it's felt like the world has been falling apart. Not my world, but the people in it. And I know that these things don't really mean anything, I know I'm not poetic or perfect in any way, but I really hope that you know-whoever you are, that you are just a human being-and even the most 'perfect' human beings make mistakes.

At times, it can be hard to find a difference between the rain falling outside your window, to the tears cascading down your face. Everyone cries, yes I just said that everyone cries-you're not the only one. We say things we don't mean, and we occasionally take a new path that leads us to no where. Sometimes, you get to a point in life, where you go to cross its road and get told to stop in big red letters, U-turns only. When you've travelled for weeks, even months trying to get where you are, only to be told to go back. What are you going to do now? You sit down on the side of the road, bury your head in your hands and let the silence drown your tears. It seems to have gotten to a point, where tonnes of people have reached this point, tried to cross this road and been knocked over by frustration and sadness, going at 100 miles an hour. I watch them stagger back to where I am sitting, slump down and cry on my shoulder. I now have at least ten other people at my side, some have been here with me for months, others not so long. But I'm sick of sitting down, I'm tired of feeling defeated by this road that I cannot cross. I may not be able to do it on my own, but we can work together. We're all going to get up, brush the dirt off our clothes, wipe our faces, and help each other. I'll look out for you and you look out for me. Trust me, I will tell you if something is coming, I will run to you if you are hurt, and I will hold your hand and cross this road with you. Because there is another side, we just have to clear the dust from our eyes and look around. There is another way to get there. And there is always someone here for you, someone who knows what you're feeling. So lets go, hold my hand and step out. Take a deep breath and walk with me. We will keep walking, I will keep walking on my road to no where, no matter where it takes me...

All my love,

Frey. x.

Filed under // Actual Human Being Cinematography Costume Design Frey Journalism Make Up Media

Apr 24

Caught in Your Own Web

From the moment you are born you start spinning your own story. Some people catch others and these people become apart of your life, and as you go on, you keep going round and round, creating new layers to your life, new people and new dreams. I remember hearing people talking about a web of lies, a web of friends, being caught by someone else, helpless in love. Whilst I understood these, they never really caught my attention until now. The concept of a web, is simple, yet the stories behind this are incredibly complicated. Breaking someones web and having to start over again, and being caught in your own web. A little heavy I suppose, but I think I get it. This isn't me talking about my experiences in order of hour, month or year, neither is this me telling some mind-blowingly inspirational story to influence anyone. This is me talking about the ones I love, the ones I will stick by until they stop spinning their web, and the ones who when tangled in themselves, I will help until they can move on once again. This is me talking about getting tangled in your own web.

Sometimes it's hard to please everyone, and sometimes we are lead by our wants and motives, without considering the consequences. Love is the one thing that can blind us from faults, fear and outcome. Love, is the only reality. With my hands shaking and tears blurring my eyes, I'm telling you that it's not your fault. We all make mistakes, we work to make the right ones, but sometimes we don't. Sometimes life picks you up with its fingers, slashes your web and tells you to start again. Everything you ever worked towards, everything you ever expected and wanted, gone. And here you are, nowhere to go and nothing to do. But you do have something to do, get out of the prison you made for yourself-you don't need it. Get up and start spinning again. Yes that sounds harsh, but nobody ever got behind by being ahead of themselves. Occasionally I've seen you tangle in your web, making the path that you've chosen might not be clear yet. But please, keep walking, keep making your web, because you will find what you've been looking for. You will get somewhere that you've never dreamed of.

I know you are tangled in your own web, and it looks, for the first time in your life, helpless. But my friend, it is not. Do not struggle, you will only knot yourself further, wait it out and continue doing what you can for the time being. Gradually you will be untangled, you will move on and continue spinning your story, and I hope you know, that I will be by your side, until your heart stops beating, and I will be the one to hold your hand, and catch you if you fall. Because I am a fly, caught in your web, and I'll never leave you. Ever.

All my love,

Frey. x.

Filed under // Actual Human Being Cinematography Frey Journalism Makeup and Costume Media Writer

Mar 20

Flickering Flames

'There's always that sinking feeling you get, when something that burned so bright, now flickers and slowly dies. Its like I've got my head in the clouds and my eyes on the ground, literally clouding my vision.' This was a diary entry of mine a year ago. Looking back, I've not only realised how far I've come, I've know my mistakes and I know who my real friends are. With so much light in my life, I find it heartbreaking to look back on who I was, and how dimly my life had been lit. A flame dimly flickering in a dark and empty world. I was so ready to go out, I was so ready to finally let my flame die. But here I am, still burning. And now I realise, I'm not the only one who felt or even feels like this. I want you to know, that you're not alone. When flames unite, they glow so brightly, that you feel like you're holding the sun in your hands. If it hadn't have been for the beautiful people that kept me alight, I don't think I would be writing this. To all of the flames that sacrificed their worlds to help me glow, thank you. To all of the flames that helped me shine, thank you. And to all the sparks that are slowly flickering away, I'll help you. We will keep your flame glowing. You're strong on the surface, but not all of the way through. I've been where you are, and I hope you know that you can call me at any hour of the night. I know the feelings of heartbreak, I know what it's like to loose someone, I know the feelings of good days and incredibly bad days. I'm not going to let you think that you have no meaning in this world, there is a reason to live, we just need to find one for ourselves. Life doesn't have a particular path, so only live it in your own light. You can take comfort in pain, you can indulge in your emotions and cry as much as you want to. Just come back to me.

I am a light, shining in a dark world. You can watch me burn bright or watch me flicker quietly. All flames are eventually going to go out, but thats not the important part. It's how bright they can shine in the meantime which means something. Nobody should expect you to let your flame glow constantly, and I just want to you know....that you don't have to. I know you might be blue right now, and I know it can feel as though the world is literally burning down around you, but once in a while, you will shine so brightly that even the sun will stop to look at you. And you will take a step away and look at the world in your light. Because you bring light to my world. You are the light to my world, and you are a light in the world. It doesn't matter how brightly you burn, just keep alight.

With all my love.

Filed under // Actual Human Being Cinematography Frey Journalism Make Up Media Writer

About